Picked up a random poetry book From the crowded shelf. Quick easy hour read: Delight and wonder. Then, Found…
Summer Anxiety Reality
Do you ever feel that you have too many things on your to-do list, and maybe, that you have a hard time getting any of it done? Does excessive worry, fear, panic get in the way? If not, then do not continue reading. If so, then please read my own little bit of anxiety related struggles.
Today, I find myself in July already… what happened to the last three months? I obviously wasn’t writing. Well, my soul kept persuading me to write, but my mind kept occupying me with external occupations, like spending time with my family, teaching students, reading as many novels as I can, and sleeping or trying to sleep at least seven hours a night. All of which are equally more important most of the time than writing.
Enough with the excuses! What brings me here today is my anxiety. Yes, my anxiety is heightened and I must find an outlet. Unfortunately, as anyone with an anxiety disorder knows, I am at a loss to find the right words to describe my problem. A hundred and one thoughts are racing through my mind as I sit here alone in my living room, seeing glimpses of my husband outside mowing the lawn, and my lesson plan book sitting by me, silently screaming at me to just get my work done to prepare for the upcoming week of summer school (and a sub). A squirrel clambers on top of the fence out the side window; it might be the squirrel my girls named George when we moved here two years ago. George is the one neighbor I see on a regular basis, and the one who does not require conversation. He knows what he is doing, and doesn’t stop to visit. Instead he will go and chase the birds as he works to collect his acorns, tree bark, and whatever else squirrels collect to store for winter.
Oh I digress again! Do you see how my mind betrays me so much?
Okay, to the point now: anxiety.
The Mayo Clinic (whom I owe a lot since they saved my uncle’s life last year) says, “Experiencing occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. However, people with anxiety disorders frequently have intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations. Often, anxiety disorders involve repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks),” (Mayo Clinic Staff).
For me, it is those “repeated episodes of sudden feelings…” that pull me down every day. When I say “pull” I mean they hinder my ability to do normal things like respond to my loved ones without feeling like I’m no good and need to defend myself, or to sit down and actually write as my soul yearns for me to do, especially when I see all of these published authors who make it seem too easy to get published. Ironically, this following image is my normal life:
I feel like a robot most days, torn between a having to have a professional life and being a mother, but especially when teaching. I know what needs to be done; I know I need to manage students so they get done what needs to be done and actually show growth. At the same time, there is the constant fear that what I have planned is not going to go the way I want, especially when another teacher comes in and tells me, “I think you have the worst class in the district.” There are those times when a student questions me on what I’m having them do and I realize that the student is right and I did not think about how they have had to take the same Cornell Notes on how to do in-text citations a million times before when all they need is just more practice, not more notes. I go through the motions of my job, trying to find success with students, and at the same time, ignoring the panic in my mind that I am not good enough. I cannot control my mind and my actions holistically to be the kind of teacher I would want for my own children.
My robot self moves on to home. My children enjoy their summer break watching episodes of their favorite shows on Netflix, or hanging out with friends. All the while, I have to ask, “Did you put away your laundry?” “Did you remember to…”, and/or, “Please pick up your room.” Questions I hate because of the constant repetition. Questions they hate because of the inconvenience they pose to their day. Meanwhile, I am internally conflicted at having to help them be responsible, to be a good parent, and all the while, externally conflicted at hearing the annoyance in my voice as I ask them.
Where is the release from anxiety? Is there such a thing?
The Mayo Clinic says to “get help early,” “stay active”, and “avoid alcohol and drug use.” I say I have tried all of those solutions. Anxiety seems to be a lifelong companion that ebbs and flows through my daily life. What do you say?
I say my life is worth fighting for each day. I am determined to break free from the bondage of fear and worry. I just have to keep fighting.
Marilyn O’Malley, from the Huffington Post, tells me, “The healthy path is to become present, feel what your body is sharing with you in the present moment through its feelings and condition.” I have experienced how being “present” makes a positive difference. Unfortunately, that realization of what my body is feeling and acknowledge it only works when I consciously make an effort to do it. If I have gotten out of the habit, then I do not think about taking stock of what’s happening in such a moment.
Yet, at the end of the day, when I am mentally exhausted and can’t bring myself to think about writing, my girls surprise me with sweet hugs, and they tell me they love me, and that makes everything I go through worth fighting against another day.
References:
Mayo Clinic Staff. “Anxiety Disorders.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 4 May 2018, www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961.
O’Malley, Marilyn. “4 Sure-Fire Ways to Free Yourself From Anxiety”. Huffington Post, 12 April 2016. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/4-sure-fire-ways-to-free_b_9627626.
So proud of you, my friend! Keep those who love you close to you because we will make sure to reassure you of your greatness!
Thank you friend!
Life is like that sweetheart. I too struggle with all l “NEED” to do. All the pressure and deadlines and the due dates in it all. But, guess what? Nobody dies if things are abut late or out of sequence. Those “NEED” to do things are still waiting on me when I do finally get to them. What I’m trying to say is take a deep breathe, relax. It will all work our honey.
Thank you dear aunt! I am better now that summer school is over. Hugs!